Their nervous system is having one.
The exact sentences we use instead — 12 pages, no fluff. For PDA, ADHD and autistic kids who hear every request as a demand.
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PDA stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance — though many people prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy. It describes a profile where a child's nervous system reads everyday requests as a threat, so ordinary demands like putting on shoes trigger a real stress response. It includes avoiding things they actively want to do, because the demand itself is the problem, not the task.
No. PDA is not a standalone diagnosis in the DSM-5 or ICD-11 — the PDA Society and PDA North America both describe it as a profile within autism. Most clinicians won't name it on paperwork, which is why many families end up with an autism and/or ADHD diagnosis instead.
Reducing the number and intensity of demands on a child so their nervous system stays out of a threat response. It isn't permissive parenting — boundaries stay. But non-essential demands get dropped, and necessary ones are communicated indirectly so the child keeps their sense of autonomy.
Making an observation, or a statement about yourself, instead of giving a direct instruction. "The toast is done" carries the same information as "come and eat" without transferring control away from your child — so there's nothing to resist. It's widely recommended in PDA practice guidance, though it hasn't been formally trialed.
A reward is a demand with a bow on it. "Get dressed and you get a sticker" still means get dressed, and adds a second obligation on top: now they also have to want the sticker. Consequences are the same object seen from the other side. Both increase pressure rather than motivation.
It's often called after-school restraint collapse. Masking all day takes enormous effort, and the collapse happens at home because home is the first place safe enough to stop. It isn't a sign that home is the problem. It's a sign that home is safe.
We're a family of three. Our kid has an autism and ADHD diagnosis, and a PDA profile — three things that want opposite things at the same time.
He holds it together all day at school and falls apart the moment he's home. That's what this whole account is about.
We stay faceless for one reason: our kid didn't consent to being on the internet. But everything we learn, you get.
Parents, not professionals. Nothing here is medical advice — if you're worried about your child, talk to someone who knows them.